Is it possible to make an action film full of dazzling special effects that is slow, ponderous and uneventful? Yes, and I’ve just seen it. It’s the Matrix: Revolutions. Not only is the paper-thin plot tedious and the dialogue insipid, it is full of insufferable self importance. Yes, a million monkeys typing endlessly might eventually write Hamlet, but first they would churn out a hundred thousand copies of Revolutions. In fact, I think monkeys wrote this movie. Surely, no writer who’s graduated high school drama class could churn out crap like, “When I saw your face, I knew you weren’t coming back. And when you looked at me, I knew I was going with you.” Cue steam train on railroad track and Dudley Doright theme … “Oh, WOE IS ME … “

The war scenes, the fight scenes, the death scenes — interminable all.

The worst part is, The Matrix was such a great movie. One of the greatest ever, and II and III have pretty much soiled its reputation. The Matrix brand has lost its luster because II was, at best, OK (I loved the highway chase scene, though some critics panned it), and there were some interesting new characters and the plot, while labored, didn’t plod. III has no redeeming qualities. The special effects are stunning, but you’ve seen them all already and they lack the panache of I and the poetry of II. Revolutions is more like a parody than a thoughtful, satisify conclusion.

The best I can say about Revolutions is that if you’ve seen I and II, you’ll want to complete the trilogy, but that can be done cheaper with a DVD rental (I certainly wouldn’t dump $20 on this turkey).

What’s most embarrassing about admitting that we paid full price for this crap is that we passed up a chance to see a free screening. We got to the theater late and didn’t want to stand in line and wind up with a lousy seat. A friend who’s seen the screening told me the free movie was better than Revolutions, but I didn’t listen. Maybe he should have been more explicit and warned me away altogether.